I'm torn

I was thinking all day about this new I heard on the radio.  A particular women's group was opposing the dual charging of a man for murdering his pregnant wife, and subsequently, thier unborn son. I thought, how could anyone not want him to fry for BOTH of those murders (if he indeed is guilty)?  I thought, how could anyone not see that if he is guilty of doing these things, he killed TWO people?  WHY would he not be held accountable for both.  Why?

Then I was talking to My Favorite Cousin, who brought a different perspective. One that is also close to my heart.  The right of a pregnant woman to deal with her own body in the fashions she believes to be appropriate.  I know that since giving birth to a child myself, my opinions on this subject are strong and emotional.  I felt very strongly about my child from the minute I knew he had been concieved.  I had a very strong connection and bond before he ever left my womb.  I could not imagine then, (nor now, if I were to get pregnant again) ever doing anything to harm a child that I was carrying.  This was not how I expected to feel, you have to understand.  I never intended to be a parent.  Maybe that is why I'm having such a hard time resolving these feelings.  Of wanting the unborn to have rights.  But how then do we give the mother her rights?  The point was brought up that if the unborn are given the same rights that everyone else has, then if a mother was found drinking a beer while pregnant, she could be charged with endangering her child.  I can totally see this happening.  I don't think it's that far fetched.  Likewise, I'm sure, the mother who smoked cigarettes or marijuana, shot heroine, or took a vicodin to relieve pain while pregnant could also come under attack.  some of these seem like no brainers (um, let's put the heroine away, shall we?) while others are not.  I know a mother who had kidney stones for the last 8 weeks of her pregnancy.  she was in a huge amount of pain at all times.  her kidneys started shutting down, and they had to surgically implant a stint to redirect whatever...I don't know the techincalities, but her MD prescribed vicodin for the remainder of her term.  The baby was ultimately delivered prematurely, and spent his first month in the hospital.  Would she be charged with endangerment? 

How do you reconcile wanting to protect children when there are so many other factors at risk?  I'm not sure that it's possible.  I sure don't want to give up any of my rights.  I feel the way most other people do...I know what's best for my child.  I'm the mother.  Very disturbing....I wonder if mothers who beat their children and lock them in closets feel the same way.

So here I am again, up at 2am.  Geez, Louise!  I have got to start getting to bed at a decent hour!  But I can honestly say that I would not be getting as much accomplished if i went to bed earlier.  At least I'm not vegging on the sofa with the tv!  I've almost finished the kitchen.  It's going to look so good! I can't wait to have it finished!  I've got two days before there's going to be a whole load of people at my house, so I probably won't get any sleep any time soon!  

I'm about ready to get a 10 yard load of dirt delivered to my house for building cob.  I have a whole hot tub house thingy planned.  It's going to be so nice to get my hands in the dirt!  I'm hoping my son will enjoy working with it, too. What little boy does not enjoy playing in the mud?  Well, mine, probably.  He asks me to clean off his hands a dozen times in an hour while he's in the sand box.  It's kind of eerie the way you see your own compulsions re-enacted by your children.  Friday is an Easter egg hunt, and then I'm going to see Anger management, which I'm hoping is as hilarious as it looks.  I adore Adam Sandler.  ("I'm Crazy Newspaper Head Man!  I've got a Newspaper for a head, and I'm CRAZY!! Now give me some CANDY!!")  I'll give a full report after I see it!

So tired....

We have not been dealing with the time change very well.  Stayed up WAY too late last night, and then up early this morning.  Now it's after 10pm, and we are still up!  ACK!  I could lay down and sleep right now, but for some reason, I have this compulsion to stay awake....can't explain it.  Except that I was going to finish two projects tonight and get started on another one.  I decided not to sand my kitchen cabinet before painting them.  I tested it out, and it seems to be working just fine.  GREAT!  Sanding is a huge pain the butt, it turns out!  I'd just as soon avoid it if at all possible.  Today I made Pita bread (16!!) a loaf of whole wheat bread (bread maker), a big batch of tabouli, hummus, iced tea, cut out pieces for a few pillows, played computer games with my son for about an hour and a half, cleaned up my ketch, took out the trash, went to the grocery store.......why am I tired again?

My partner called from Cape Canaveral last night at two in the morning, which mean 5am his time.  He's having a hard time sleeping, too.  I figure, just as soon as we all get it worked out, he'll come home and we'll be all screwed up again! Ha!  He's doing good, working on the Cruise ship.  He plays piano.  Such a life...he works every day, I think he's had, like NO days off in the last two weeks.  And he's not due for one until a week and a half from now, either.  But then you find out that he's only working about 1 1/2 hours a night, and you don't feel so bad for him.  Out there in the Bahaman's slaving away!  We miss him!  I'm sure he gets more rest out at sea than he does at home.  I know I  would!  In fact I know I got more sleep when I was working full time than I do now that I'm staying home full time.  How does that work? 

I've been reading a book called Ourselves As Mothers by sheila kitzinger. she has some interesting ideas about our culture and being a mother.  Although I agree with much of what she says (mothers are not given the respect that men and women who have careers are given and other things...read the book) she kind of makes Mothers as a group sound like we are all abused and deprived of social activity, pathetic and haggard, as though we never sleep and can't find time to shower.  I suppose SOME of the time that is true, but my gosh, I really enjoy staying home with my son.  I guess I don't think that the way to win respect is to complain about the choices that we've made.  We just have to find new ways to deal with them.  Admittedly, I'm only about one and a half chapters into it, so, sorry Sheila, if I've made a snap judgement about the way you view mothers.  

But today, I AM tired..... 

Today began with a start.  As I lie in my bed with my slumbering Two year old, trying not to wake up ( I thought I had about an hour before I needed to be ready), I hear the answering machine pick up a call from my mother.  "I was just calling to remind you that we changed the clocks last night.  Spring ahead!".

Oops.  That's kind of how the whole day went today.  Although, I did manage to get some things figured out. 

Time, for instance.  I always make a bundle of projects for myself, and then complain about never having enough time to do them, but really I DO have the time, I just don't manage it very well.  Like, while Nick was napping today, I should have been out mowing the lawn, but I was here, on line, chatting away. So then, at 6pm, I realize it's going to get dark and I still haven't mowed the lawn.   Grandma saves the day again.  I thought about it WHILE I was mowing the lawn and realized my mistake.  I think that I just need to start DOING stuff. I think if I wait any longer to have "enough time" to get all this stuff done, then I'm going to be dead and there will be ten thousand unfinished projects in my house for people to go through.  They will say, "She was a strange old bird....complusive and strange."  I guess that's not necessarily the legacy I would like to leave behind.  Here is my project for tonight:

1.Take cabinet doors off kitchen cabinets

2. Start sanding cabinets. 

That's not too much, eh?  I'll let you know how it goes!

I am a sucker for gimmicks.  I Love pretty packaging.  I love NEW and IMPROVED products.  I LOVE it when I get something for free with a 30 day free trial membership!  My latest...AHA (American Homeowners Association), free trial membership, and you get a FREE digital camera, with tripod and software.  It has been shipped to me today, and should arrive at my house within 4-6 weeks.  Now I just have to cancel the membership before they make me pay for it.  Woohoo!  You too can get one, if you are a big sucker like me.  Not many are.  Greg rolls his eyes, and reluctantly hands over his credit card when I ask him to pay for shipping and handling (only 7 dollars!! how can you lose?).  I know, I know.  I've gotten bit in the ass a couple of times, but I continue to believe that if you sift through enough crapola, you get a good one now and then. 

Interestingly enough, it's the same capitalistic system that provides me with FREE bargains like this camera that I am currently rallying against and blaming for my lack of financial security.  Which, but the way, is the reason I'm always looking for free stuff.  Vicious circle.  Oh, the irony!  It is not lost on this woman, no sir.  Our society does not reward women for staying home to keep house and raise kids.  Our society does not reward people for conserving.  Our society does not look kindly on people who don't care if they are ever rich.  Some of us who chant ritualisticly that we want to be rich, want it so that we can get OUT of the rat race, and live happily on our farms, raising our kids to feed livestock and build their own houses. To care for the earth, our home.  To plant trees.  To grow our own food.  Even sewing your own clothes has become kitchy instead of frugal.  When I was a child I wore home made clothes because we couldn't afford to buy them.  Now, I can't afford NOT to go to target or walmart to buy my son a T-shirt, because the raw materials are so much more expensive than the finished product.  Hmph. 

Eating Celery sticks and typing on my own damn computer....finally!  Maybe this time it will work for a while.  (It was in the "shop" which means, dad was trying to get it not to crash every 15 minutes!)

Celery is highly under-rated.  It really does seem to fill you up.  It has lots of fiber and absolutely no calories.  I think it's only because the body actually burns up more in the processing of it than it contains.  Is there such a thing as negative calories?

Last night was a Bridal Shower for my step brother's fiance.  The step brother is Joel.  He's 23, an artist, currently working for a land scaping company.  Listens to lots of rap music and drives fancy souped up cars with LOUD stereos.  (Can you picture it?).  The fiance is Alexis.  She is 20, works at a mail-it shop.  She's taking college classes right now, but all I really know is that she want's to get into selling realestate.  She's a very smart, outgoing, pretty girl.  So when I tell you that I wanted to KILL her last night, you might find it odd....

There were 40 people at this shower.  40.  Friends and relatives of both sides (bride and groom) and friends of the bride, and thier mothers.  (Not the bride and groom's mothers, they were there too, but the _friends_ mothers.  good grief.)  Lots of food and chapagne punch, which came in handy.  Let it be said that I have very little patience with inconsideration.  Especially when my moon is on it's way, which it is.  But this party was so disorganized.  And not by the fault of the women who worked hard to organize it.  The bride herself seemed bent on making as much an effort to drag it out indefinately a humanly possible.  You've heard about The Games?  these are silly little things that people do at different kinds of "showers" so that the bride can hand out "prizes", thereby absolving her of any guilt about the sheer magnitude of CRAP that she is given to start her New Life. (No, I'm not cynical!)  Well, our bride to be gathered everyone around to play a game, got about 2 minutes into it, and decided that she needed a break, and to go sit in a quiet place.  She got up and left 39 of us sitting there wondering what the hell was going on.  After a few minutes, most people headed back to the punch, which as I stated earlier was becoming an essential part of the "festivities".  The bride came back into the room about 20 minutes later to hear pleadings from both sides of the family to please choose the winner. Please.  This obviously distressed her because she then needed to step outside for some "fresh air" and chat with her smoking friends who were working their way feverishly through countless packs of cigarettes.

God Bless Grandmothers!!  When Our blushing bride returned again, her grandmother told her that if she didn't start opening gifts soon, the group was going to open them for her.  "Some of us have to leave tonight!", she said.  AMEN SISTAH!!! 

Here is the thing.  This "woman" had obviously never been to a shower.  There are, unfortunately several ettiquettes that go along with hosting such an event.  And even if she delegated most of the organization to someone else, she WAS the hostess.  Her mother needed to be more helpful.  She needed to tell her to read the cards out loud.  Tell us who the gift was from, show the gift. Move on to the next one, with out getting up for a bite to eat.  By the end of the evening (4 hours later...I'm not kidding) it was clear that this was just not the kind of party that the poor bride had in mind when she agreed to a wedding shower.  I felt bad for her, then because I thought that being so young it's very easy to let other people tell you what to do, and not stand up for what you really want.  While we were cleaning up, she said that it had just been so overwhelming. I calmly stated that if she thought THAT was overwhelming, wait til the WEDDING!! HA!  (I know, I'm going straight to hell).  Poor Alexis.  I hope that she finds herself and her own voice soon.  Being a wife is something that can hinder that process if you're not focused, I think.

This is the first of what will hopefully be a very eccletic collection of dreams, ramblings and every day musings.  

For instance, today, I took my 2 year old son to church with his Grandmother and Aunt and Uncle.  Basically, this means that he goes into a room with about 10 other two year olds and plays for an hour, while I sit in church. This was a Christian church.  I think it's called Four Square.  Unfortunately I don't pay much attention to those sorts of things.  Sometimes I feel bad about using these peoples church for my own purpose.  I mean the people that my mother knows there are very good people.  They care about each other and the community.  They pray for everyone's soul to be saved and and they sing and dance and get re-charged for the rest of the week.  I can't bring myself to tell them that I don't really believe in the same things that they do.  Not exactly, anyway.  I wonder if they would be offended, or ask me to leave.  Most likely, they would just pray harder for me to see things the "right" way.  Interesting.  But I do like the music, and I like the energy that's created by so many people being in one place and opening their heart to a joyful experience.  Not many other places cater simply to that feeling.  so if you're wondering why I would "subject" myself sunday School now that I have the choice to choose otherwise, that is it.  I enjoy it.  I just keep quiet about why I'm really there!  And honestly, I truly beilieve that it's pretty much the same reason that the rest of them are there, too.  I just say it with different words and catch phrases.