Last night at about 9:30pm, I was sitting on the couch reading my book.  The child had gone to bed earlier, by some miracle.  I heard a thundering sound, and at first, thought it was a truck.  We live on a pretty busy intersection.  Then more thundering, and more!  Wow!  It was a huge lightening storm!  The thunder was just crashing around us, like the storm was right over the house.  Then, like out a movie, the sky opened up and it _poured_ like I have not seen it pour in a  LONG time.  I actually got up and watched out the window for quite a while....it was very impressive!  It was so loud on the roof and our little aluminum chimney, I was afraid of my son waking up, but he slept soundly through the whole thing. Wow, again!  After about 10 minutes, the rain slowed down, but it didn't stop until after I went to sleep, which was about midnight.  Mother Nature was throwing a tantrum last night!!  And it was a good one! 

I'm stylin' now!  I've got my new fancy shmancy video card that lets me take still right of tv or video camera. In fact, it lets me watch tv while I'm on the computer.  I'm doomed...   And I've got a new-to-me monitor that  is a flat screen or mostly flat...definately more flat than the last one.  It's very nice!  I might just hang out here and look at it for a while....

Today was a good day.  We didn't do diddly-squat!  I think my dear son was relieved to stay home all day, because he was contented enough to let me read most of the day!  His new loves are doing dishes and vacuming with my little dust buster vacume.  Isn't that great?  Pretty soon I won't even need a housekeeper!  (haha!)  The only time we left the house was to go to the grocery store, and the boy fell asleep on the way home, which is about three blocks!  Why, I hear you asking, are you _driving_ three blocks to go to the store?  Well, our beautiful weather did not last, and it was pouring again this evening.  *sigh*  I'm glad I got the lawn mowed on Sunday!  It looks so much nicer when it's trimmed.

I was thinking today about fences, and different ideas about fences.  I used to not like them because it made the yards with them seem snobbish and uptight.  Like, don't come into my yard and mess it up!  I have to keep everyone out!  But I've noticed since I got my fence, which is not that attractive (cyclone), that I feel more like it's _my_ yard.  Like we have this definate division of that's the side walk, and THIS is the yard.  It's really motivated me to do a lot of work on it.  Part of it is because once you put a fence around something, it's kind of like a huge picture frame.  People tend to notice it much more, (or at least i percieve that they do) and it would be silly to frame something that is ugly, or unkept.  So while I'm not a huge fan of fences, I think that this one has been motivational, and a little inspiring. What a nice change!

What are you reading?:  From the corner of His Eye, by Dean Koontz, Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui, by karen Kingston, and the Botany of Desire, by Michael Pollan.

What are you drinking/eating?: Ravens Wood merlot, California wine

What are you wearing?: my favorite red sweats and my black long sleeved Old Navy t-shirt

What are listening to?:  My three year old (almost) son trying NOT to fall asleep in his bedroom

What did you do today?:  Talked on the phone with my partner, church with mom, lunch in the park, birthday party for my brother, mowed the lawn, read my Dean Koontz book, played with my son

Any TMI?:  I was a little overwhelmed today, wondering if my son's anti-social behavior is the sign of something I've done, or if it's just another phase that he is going through.

What has blown your mind lately?:  Thinking about myself, and how I've always seen myself as lazy, but then making lists of stuff that I've accomplished, and noting that I rarely have a day when I do "nothing".  It must be something else....

I'm torn

I was thinking all day about this new I heard on the radio.  A particular women's group was opposing the dual charging of a man for murdering his pregnant wife, and subsequently, thier unborn son. I thought, how could anyone not want him to fry for BOTH of those murders (if he indeed is guilty)?  I thought, how could anyone not see that if he is guilty of doing these things, he killed TWO people?  WHY would he not be held accountable for both.  Why?

Then I was talking to My Favorite Cousin, who brought a different perspective. One that is also close to my heart.  The right of a pregnant woman to deal with her own body in the fashions she believes to be appropriate.  I know that since giving birth to a child myself, my opinions on this subject are strong and emotional.  I felt very strongly about my child from the minute I knew he had been concieved.  I had a very strong connection and bond before he ever left my womb.  I could not imagine then, (nor now, if I were to get pregnant again) ever doing anything to harm a child that I was carrying.  This was not how I expected to feel, you have to understand.  I never intended to be a parent.  Maybe that is why I'm having such a hard time resolving these feelings.  Of wanting the unborn to have rights.  But how then do we give the mother her rights?  The point was brought up that if the unborn are given the same rights that everyone else has, then if a mother was found drinking a beer while pregnant, she could be charged with endangering her child.  I can totally see this happening.  I don't think it's that far fetched.  Likewise, I'm sure, the mother who smoked cigarettes or marijuana, shot heroine, or took a vicodin to relieve pain while pregnant could also come under attack.  some of these seem like no brainers (um, let's put the heroine away, shall we?) while others are not.  I know a mother who had kidney stones for the last 8 weeks of her pregnancy.  she was in a huge amount of pain at all times.  her kidneys started shutting down, and they had to surgically implant a stint to redirect whatever...I don't know the techincalities, but her MD prescribed vicodin for the remainder of her term.  The baby was ultimately delivered prematurely, and spent his first month in the hospital.  Would she be charged with endangerment? 

How do you reconcile wanting to protect children when there are so many other factors at risk?  I'm not sure that it's possible.  I sure don't want to give up any of my rights.  I feel the way most other people do...I know what's best for my child.  I'm the mother.  Very disturbing....I wonder if mothers who beat their children and lock them in closets feel the same way.

So here I am again, up at 2am.  Geez, Louise!  I have got to start getting to bed at a decent hour!  But I can honestly say that I would not be getting as much accomplished if i went to bed earlier.  At least I'm not vegging on the sofa with the tv!  I've almost finished the kitchen.  It's going to look so good! I can't wait to have it finished!  I've got two days before there's going to be a whole load of people at my house, so I probably won't get any sleep any time soon!  

I'm about ready to get a 10 yard load of dirt delivered to my house for building cob.  I have a whole hot tub house thingy planned.  It's going to be so nice to get my hands in the dirt!  I'm hoping my son will enjoy working with it, too. What little boy does not enjoy playing in the mud?  Well, mine, probably.  He asks me to clean off his hands a dozen times in an hour while he's in the sand box.  It's kind of eerie the way you see your own compulsions re-enacted by your children.  Friday is an Easter egg hunt, and then I'm going to see Anger management, which I'm hoping is as hilarious as it looks.  I adore Adam Sandler.  ("I'm Crazy Newspaper Head Man!  I've got a Newspaper for a head, and I'm CRAZY!! Now give me some CANDY!!")  I'll give a full report after I see it!

So tired....

We have not been dealing with the time change very well.  Stayed up WAY too late last night, and then up early this morning.  Now it's after 10pm, and we are still up!  ACK!  I could lay down and sleep right now, but for some reason, I have this compulsion to stay awake....can't explain it.  Except that I was going to finish two projects tonight and get started on another one.  I decided not to sand my kitchen cabinet before painting them.  I tested it out, and it seems to be working just fine.  GREAT!  Sanding is a huge pain the butt, it turns out!  I'd just as soon avoid it if at all possible.  Today I made Pita bread (16!!) a loaf of whole wheat bread (bread maker), a big batch of tabouli, hummus, iced tea, cut out pieces for a few pillows, played computer games with my son for about an hour and a half, cleaned up my ketch, took out the trash, went to the grocery store.......why am I tired again?

My partner called from Cape Canaveral last night at two in the morning, which mean 5am his time.  He's having a hard time sleeping, too.  I figure, just as soon as we all get it worked out, he'll come home and we'll be all screwed up again! Ha!  He's doing good, working on the Cruise ship.  He plays piano.  Such a life...he works every day, I think he's had, like NO days off in the last two weeks.  And he's not due for one until a week and a half from now, either.  But then you find out that he's only working about 1 1/2 hours a night, and you don't feel so bad for him.  Out there in the Bahaman's slaving away!  We miss him!  I'm sure he gets more rest out at sea than he does at home.  I know I  would!  In fact I know I got more sleep when I was working full time than I do now that I'm staying home full time.  How does that work? 

I've been reading a book called Ourselves As Mothers by sheila kitzinger. she has some interesting ideas about our culture and being a mother.  Although I agree with much of what she says (mothers are not given the respect that men and women who have careers are given and other things...read the book) she kind of makes Mothers as a group sound like we are all abused and deprived of social activity, pathetic and haggard, as though we never sleep and can't find time to shower.  I suppose SOME of the time that is true, but my gosh, I really enjoy staying home with my son.  I guess I don't think that the way to win respect is to complain about the choices that we've made.  We just have to find new ways to deal with them.  Admittedly, I'm only about one and a half chapters into it, so, sorry Sheila, if I've made a snap judgement about the way you view mothers.  

But today, I AM tired..... 

Today began with a start.  As I lie in my bed with my slumbering Two year old, trying not to wake up ( I thought I had about an hour before I needed to be ready), I hear the answering machine pick up a call from my mother.  "I was just calling to remind you that we changed the clocks last night.  Spring ahead!".

Oops.  That's kind of how the whole day went today.  Although, I did manage to get some things figured out. 

Time, for instance.  I always make a bundle of projects for myself, and then complain about never having enough time to do them, but really I DO have the time, I just don't manage it very well.  Like, while Nick was napping today, I should have been out mowing the lawn, but I was here, on line, chatting away. So then, at 6pm, I realize it's going to get dark and I still haven't mowed the lawn.   Grandma saves the day again.  I thought about it WHILE I was mowing the lawn and realized my mistake.  I think that I just need to start DOING stuff. I think if I wait any longer to have "enough time" to get all this stuff done, then I'm going to be dead and there will be ten thousand unfinished projects in my house for people to go through.  They will say, "She was a strange old bird....complusive and strange."  I guess that's not necessarily the legacy I would like to leave behind.  Here is my project for tonight:

1.Take cabinet doors off kitchen cabinets

2. Start sanding cabinets. 

That's not too much, eh?  I'll let you know how it goes!

I am a sucker for gimmicks.  I Love pretty packaging.  I love NEW and IMPROVED products.  I LOVE it when I get something for free with a 30 day free trial membership!  My latest...AHA (American Homeowners Association), free trial membership, and you get a FREE digital camera, with tripod and software.  It has been shipped to me today, and should arrive at my house within 4-6 weeks.  Now I just have to cancel the membership before they make me pay for it.  Woohoo!  You too can get one, if you are a big sucker like me.  Not many are.  Greg rolls his eyes, and reluctantly hands over his credit card when I ask him to pay for shipping and handling (only 7 dollars!! how can you lose?).  I know, I know.  I've gotten bit in the ass a couple of times, but I continue to believe that if you sift through enough crapola, you get a good one now and then. 

Interestingly enough, it's the same capitalistic system that provides me with FREE bargains like this camera that I am currently rallying against and blaming for my lack of financial security.  Which, but the way, is the reason I'm always looking for free stuff.  Vicious circle.  Oh, the irony!  It is not lost on this woman, no sir.  Our society does not reward women for staying home to keep house and raise kids.  Our society does not reward people for conserving.  Our society does not look kindly on people who don't care if they are ever rich.  Some of us who chant ritualisticly that we want to be rich, want it so that we can get OUT of the rat race, and live happily on our farms, raising our kids to feed livestock and build their own houses. To care for the earth, our home.  To plant trees.  To grow our own food.  Even sewing your own clothes has become kitchy instead of frugal.  When I was a child I wore home made clothes because we couldn't afford to buy them.  Now, I can't afford NOT to go to target or walmart to buy my son a T-shirt, because the raw materials are so much more expensive than the finished product.  Hmph.